Clever Humans


Clever Humans do the darnedest things!


22 September 2007

Truffles Taste Like Shit

by Patrick

Last weekend I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner.

I didn’t start off with the intention of having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Wanting to make something nice, and having never before tasted truffles, I decided to make a truffle butter sauce for the lobsters they were selling at the Fresh Market. You watch on the Food Network or the Travel channel and any time they cook with truffles it is like the sky opened up and God Himself is handing out little slices of mushrooms. They had to be good! 

Two lobsters: $50. Truffle butter: $25. $75 all told.

I’ve made lobster before, several times, and it tasted good! Though there is no way I’d be able to prove it to you had you been over last Saturday. I broiled the lobster… a lot. Had an ooh shiny moment when I stepped away to change the music on my mp3 player and when I got back the lobster had turned a shade I’ve never before seen. But it wasn’t completely inedible… just mostly. I was determined to eat it anyway.

I turned to the sauce. Simple sauce: lots of butter, melted slow, a little double-creme, and the new thing: truffle butter. Truffle butter is essentially just normal butter with big ole pieces of black truffle mixed into it. Well, as it all started to melt together and thicken, I noticed a smell vaguely of earth. But not the earthy kind of smell you’d get on a summer day while sitting underneath an oak tree. Not the kind of earthy smell you use to describe a fine wine. Rather, this was the earth near the bottom of a manure pile, the earth you’d smell between the toes of a pig that had just been rooting about in the mud.

Undaunted, and more than a little upset at the lobster debacle, and finding it a little difficult to see due to all the smoke, I confidently poured the truffle sauce all over my lobster, brought it to the table and prepared to tuck in to what I was sure would be a gustatory delight the likes of which I’ve never had. I was about to taste the Mushrooms of God for the first time. This had to be good!

The lobster itself was fine. Not good, but what I expected, after having massacring it under the broiler. The butter sauce was creamy and smooth and everything you wanted butter for your lobster be… except for the distinct flavor of shit. I am serious. People always say, “well, have you ever tasted shit?” And of course, I always had to admit, before this, that no, I had not. This tasted like dog’s ass. If you used a dogs ass as if it were a soft serve ice cream dispenser and poured yourself out a nice bowl of dog shit rocky road it would have tasted better than this. I am convinced now that truffles are rare and rich people burn off their tastebuds before they eat the vile things.

I wound up giving some of it to my dog. He loved it. Me? I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

tags: food - oldposts