Clever Humans


Clever Humans do the darnedest things!


17 December 2008

St. Peter Must Be Stopped

by Patrick

My entire life one person or another has come up to me and told me of some of the shenanigans that St. Peter has pulled. He is constantly in the news, constantly pulling one con after another, yet no one ever does anything. They just laugh and go on about their day. As if to say, “well, he’s an angel, waddaya gonna do?” Well, I tell you, I’ve had enough. His atrocities are beyond the pale. In this post, I will expose many of the most common cons that St. Peter regularly pulls.

Firstly, it is important to realize that St. Peter is a minor bureaucrat. A former apostle, the first pope, now a minor bureaucrat. Like any minor bureaucrat, he has a great job title, he is the Guardian of the Gates of Heaven, but has a profoundly boring job, he records the people who die and tell them whether they get to go to heaven or hell. Which is probably an interesting job for a day, or a week, but after a couple millennia ennui inevitably sets in.

St. Peter tries to spice up his job. As such, he has started making a game out of determining people’s eternal future. One of the most common games he plays is forcing people to have random items on them when they approach the pearly gates. As if all of this person’s life has become some random scavenger hunt where they didn’t know what they were supposed to find. Here is an example:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

“Something that represents Christmas?!” What kind of absurd mockery of a system is this? These poor guys had to come up with some tortured stretch of a rationalization to justify to this macabre game show host why they should be allowed into heaven. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute. They just DIED. A minute ago they were alive, smoking, or stealing women’s underwear, and the next minute, they’re DEAD. POW! DEAD! They travel up to the gates of heaven, which by all accounts are overwhelmingly lovely. This angel walks up to them. An ANGEL. These men have never seen an angel before. They are disoriented and maybe even a little surprised to be where they are, and this honest to God, Angel, walks up to them. And does he say, “Hey guys, welcome to Heaven?” No. Does he say, “Sorry you had to die, but your family is just inside waiting for you.” No. He says, “Hey guys, let’s play a game.” An ANGEL walks up to you and wants to play a GAME about whether or not you get to go into heaven! The idea that he can get away with this sort of thing, and has apparently been doing this for hundreds of years, is absolutely insane.

Another one of the games St. Peter plays involves collusion with Lucifer. Now, as I said, St. Peter has been at this job for millennia. He has seen all sorts of people. He has been to heaven, hell, he knows God, Jesus and Lucifer. I guess what I’m saying is that he’s been around the block. Yet even with all that knowledge, he still gives people the choice of whether or not they want to go to heaven or to hell.

Now, he knows the devil. He knows the devil is going to pull a bait and switch. It is inevitable. But does he advise people as to Satan’s tactics? Of course not. Does he try to talk up heaven or sell it at all? Of course not.

Here is an example of his corruption:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.”’I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

Oh, ha ha, right? It’s all very funny. Until St. Peter capriciously decides that YOU should go to hell. Twice this senator told St. Peter, “Nah, nevermind, just send me to heaven.” But St. Peter refused. St. Peter made this guy visit hell. Gave Satan the chance to sell this poor man on how wonderful hell is. I mean, the Devil is renowned as being a fantastic salesman. We all say The Devil’s Advocate. Not all of us can be as strong and forthright as Keanu Reeves, no matter how much we may wish we were.


What can we do about it? Well, we could start a petition drive to have St. Peter removed from his post. Give it to the Pope and leave it up to him. In the meantime, if you know you are about to die, fill your pockets with all sorts of useless crap. You never know what sort of bizarre item St. Peter will make you produce. And if you find yourself before the pearly gates, and St. Peter gives you a choice of heaven or hell. Play along, but CHOOSE HEAVEN. It goes without saying, but, THE DEVIL IS LYING. He is. Doesn’t matter what he says, but he is lying. It’s what he does.

Good luck. And God Bless.