Clever Humans


Clever Humans do the darnedest things!


1 April 2009

Wherein I Pretend To See Michael Jackson Videos for the First Time Ever

by Patrick

Did you know Michael Jackson had music videos? Well, either did I. I need to watch a few.


Remember the Time?

I bet you remember… but the video for Remember the Time has ABSO-fucking-LUTELY nothing to do with the song. He’s singing about being on the phone, at the shore, baddadat badda dat dot dat, to the great pharaoh, Eddie Murphy, in ancient Egypt. This is Ancient Egypt! They didn’t have phones, or spring, or baddadats.

I think it is really, “do you remember the time when Coming to America” came out? Michael seems to have been very influenced by movies over the years. I think this video was simply,  “Hey MJ, do you have a song you want to release, cause this cool new movie just came out and we already have the video.”

The only thing I remember about Coming To America: “The Royal Penis is clean, your Highness.”

The Way You Make Me Feel

I think Michael had just seen West Side Story when he filmed this video. Though, this video is far and away better than the Remember the Time video. For one thing, it has a pretty baby with high heels on in it. She gives me fever like I’ve never ever known.

Though, the story of the video is: a hooker is walking through a Bad neighborhood where people sing songs off Bad and are going to attack and rape her. But then it turns out ok, cause it is just Michael Jackson and he’s actually just make believe.

Oh, and Michael gets rather lewd toward the end. Right after the super gay dance routine. And I think he calls for her… and her name is “Ho.”

Ja Cool?

Smooth Criminal

Somehow Michael Jackson has learned that what makes members of organized crime groups so dangerous is their penchant for domestic violence. Because, despite the video itself, and the leaning, the song really seems to be about a woman who got smacked around by her man. No doubt Michael wishes he were a cool, smooth criminal, who could also beat up on those women-things that he truly just does not understand.

This is another long “epic” video of Michaels. It, also, is significantly better than the Remember the Time video (but, really, what isn’t?). In fact, I would say this video is second only to Thriller in the Michael Jackson oeuvre.

Though, by the time the video is over, you really want Michael to stop asking if she is okay, and get off his ass and walk over and check. I mean, if she hasn’t answered by now, it’s likely she’s not okay and probably needs some medical attention.

Annie are you Oakley? Are you Oakley, Annie?

Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough

Michael Jackson seems to have been profoundly influenced by movies over the course of his career, most likely because, like him, they are all make believe.

In Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough (Michael’s first solo video since his dad stopped touching him in ways that made him feel really good, but yet somehow vaguely guilty at the same time) he actually refers to The Force. You know, like Yoda and Vader and stuff? Yeah, that Force. Keep on with the Force, don’t stop. Don’t stop till you get enough.

There is something to be said for the simplicity of this video. It is Michael in a tuxedo, gyrating and looking naive. The choreography isn’t even all that good. It is mostly a lot of high stepping and pelvic thrusts. This song was the first single from the album Off the Wall, which was released in 1979 and was Michael’s first solo album. From that perspective, the idea that Michael Jackson at one point is actually dancing with three copies of himself is probably actually very innovative and hi-tech.

Keep on, with the Force don’t stop.

Rock With You

Oh Michael, what are you wearing? Dear God. There is no way I’m riding that boogie. He’s just so sparkly. Silver sweater, silver pants, silver boots. This entire video seems like nothing but an after thought. It is a sparkly, definitely sparkly,Michael rockin’ out with his microphone out. All in front of a green laser light show. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so critical. This is only the second video Michael ever did. It is is so similar to his first video, Don’t Stop till You Get Enough, that it should not be surprising. It would still be another couple years before he completely reinvents music videos. But it is hard not to expect more from him at this point in his career.

Just take it slow, we got so far to go.


Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this film in no way endorses a belief in the occult. Ah, people were so naive in the early 80s, they actually believed in werewolves and zombies and Michael Jackson. Presumably, this video is set in the ’50s. Michael is wearing a letter jacket, the chick he tries to date rape is wearing a poodle skirt and golf shoes.

“I have something to tell you, I like other guys.” Oh, wait, that’s not what he said at all. It’s close to midnight. Michael becomes a wolf man and again, he tries to beat up on a woman.

I don’t believe I’ve yet watched a single video where Michael Jackson doesn’t in some way talk about or show a woman getting beat up. He is so misunderstood.

Oh, wait… it was all just make believe. It was just a movie. It really was the 80s version of the 1950s.

Now we are back in present time, the 80s, and Michael is being an asshole. Apparently, it’s close to midnight. Must’ve been a late movie.

This video is actually pretty boring while Michael is singing. The song, in my opinion, is *not* one of his better songs. I don’t like listening to it without the video. Though, I must confess, as a child I not only owned this album, but I owned the “dance like Michael Jackson” break dancing kit. It came with a glove and an instruction book on how to moon walk and do the worm. I don’t believe I’ve ever actually seen Michael Jackson do the worm, but in retrospect that was an oddly appropriate choice of move to put in the book. Prescient, even.

Eventually, Vincent Price talks, and no mere mortal can resist the evil of The Thriller.

Then the music stops and the video gets good again.

Eventually, they do the Thriller dance. Which, is really the only reason to ever watch this video again.

Doing the Thriller dance has become so popular and so funny that it is done at weddings and prisons. Some would say I’m being redundant.

Cause this is Filler, Filler right?

Be sure to check out the Totally Rad Dances with Dancin’ Kim.


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Writing a post with embedded Your Tubes links is always rife with danger and intrigue. This is mostly because of idiocy. And, for a change, not mine. Whenever I embed Y’all Tube links in a post, within months, they have been taken down because some dumb ass music executive calls them a copyright violation. We’ll see if this fairs any better.