Clever Humans


Clever Humans do the darnedest things!


5 March 2012

Approximation I Said You Gotta Pay Me She

by Patrick


I said, “You gotta pay me.” She said, “Well, everybody else is doing it for nothing.” I said, “Everybody else may be an asshole, but I’m not. By what right would you call me and ask me to work for nothing? Do you get a paycheck? Does your boss get a paycheck? … Would you go to a gas station and ask to be given free gas? Would you go to the doctor and have him take out your spleen for nothing? How dare you call me and want me to work for nothing?” “Well, it would be good publicity.” I said, “lady, tell that to someone a little older than you who has just fallen off the turnip truck. There is no publicity value in my essay, my interview, being on your DVD. If you sell 2,000 it’ll be great and what are people gonna say? ‘Ooh, I really like the way that guy gave that interview. I wonder if he’s ever written a book. Let me go and buy it.’ There is no publicity value. The only value for me is if you put money in my hand. Cross my palm with silver and you can use my interview.” She says, “well, all right, thank you.” And she hangs up. I’ll never hear from them. They want everything for nothing…

They always want the writer to work for nothing. And the problem is that there are so many goddamn many writers who have no idea they’re supposed to be paid every time they do something. They do it for nothing! Guh guh! They’re gonna look at me, I’m going to be noticed, huh huh, huh huh! … You’re undercut by all the amateurs. It’s the amateurs who make it tough for the professionals because when you act professional, these people are so used to getting it for nothing, and for mooching, and for being able to pass off this bullshit — I mean, they don’t even send you a copy of the DVD! You know, you have to call them, “where’s the DVD?” “Well, it’s been out for six months, you can go to the store and buy it…”

You can go to the store and buy it, motherfucker! You go to the store and buy it!