Clever Humans


Clever Humans do the darnedest things!


5 March 2012

Open Letter to My Home Owner’s Association

by Patrick

RE: My Lawn

Dear Homeowner’s Association,

I am writing in regard to the letter I received yesterday about how despicable my house’s appearance is. I moved into this house a short three months ago. Though the house was in decent repair, it had been empty for two years previous. A great number of things needed to be done in order to make it livable. As such, any money I may have had with which to re-sod my lawn was consumed like a gazelle at a cheetah convention.

Despite these circumstances, I tried to curb the revolting nature of my lawn and bring it from a state of deplorable to merely unfortunate. The first month after moving into this house, I received a letter from you stating that my lawn made your eyes bleed when you looked at it. I thought that perhaps mowing it regularly would help keep you from the optometrist’s office. Such was not the case.

The next month I received another letter from you, covered with the uncontrollable vomit the mere thought of my lawn must have induced in you. Attempting to aid your digestion, I had my lawn service trim all the bushes and plants, and edge around the pathetic excuses for flower beds.

Apparently my attempts only made it worse, no doubt akin to the nauseating smell of those Febreeze scented garbage bags when you have day old fish in them. I assume this because yesterday I received a letter stating that nothing short of replacing my entire yard with someone else’s yard could curb its vile nature. Unfortunately, this fix requires an investment of many thousands of dollars I do not currently have. It will take me another four to six months to raise that sort of money. In the meantime, perhaps there is something else I could do to save your constitution. Perhaps cover it with camouflage netting so you don’t have to look at it? Last week I started walking around the neighborhood and surreptitiously taking small patches of grass from my neighbor’s yards. I’m not sure how long I can do this before I am discovered.

If you feel I deserve additional punishment for my vile yard, I just ask that you do not harm my dog. I love him greatly and he has helped me through some hard times. It would be devastating to me if I came out one morning and found him impaled by weeds.


Patrick Burrows